A Love Letter

The nights grow colder as time passes by,

the day is longer, time dragging on slower,

I am still standing by the corner, waiting by the gate

In my hands, I hold what is left,

a suicide note, a love letter to the devil.

I can hear the birds sing, another mourning dawns,

mama is still ill from all the pain you left,

papa started coming late with alcohol in his breath,

the neighbors still look at me in pity as I stand waiting for you

I hang by the gate holding what is left of you

a suicide note, a love letter to the devil.

It tortures me, knowing I could not see your pain,

That rope by the neck still replays in my mind,

I keep wondering;

what was in your mind when taking your last breath?

Did you see us? Your family? Did you see light? Darkness?

I have so many questions brother, only you can answer,

But I have left is a suicide note, a love letter to the devil.

It got so lonely since you left,

no more laughter, no more family to call home,

Even the dog Katiwa left us for the wild,

Are you also lonely in the land of the forgone?

Don’t worry brother, am coming to keep you company,

because I have nothing left, except this letter at hand,

my suicide note, my love letter to the devil.

The Guinea Pig’s Story

The young couple look at the test with teary smiles. They did it!! They are pregnant!! After their wedding two months ago, they had started looking for a baby. Every pregnancy test they took left them a little less happier and a bit more worried that maybe a biological child wouldn’t fit in their picture perfect family. At the time, fertility clinics are so rare that the only options one might have beside natural conception is adoption. Not that our beautiful couple is against the latter, but there is an unbroken bond that comes with a biological child that every couple craves for.

Nine months of moody days, uncontrollable cravings, weight gain, and uncalled for fights, a bouncing baby girl is born. The new mother holds her child, with care and love, afraid that too much pressure might break the delicate creature. The father tears down looking at the product of his love. The couple look at each other and smile affectionately with a similar thought in mind: we made our being forever to hold and love, our baby G.

Days, months, years, baby G bounces on with confidence and a big smile on her face. A year and half have gone by. Baby G’s love from our now not so new parents can be seen through her big smile and fat baby cheeks. Her laughter is almost infectious making everyone around her instantly fall in love. The couple, still new to their parenting work have to draft a manual on child rearing as they go by. They have no experience on what they need to do, they have no teacher to guide them through the process. There is no manual for Baby G, there is no guide on how she should be taken are of. So they improvise, they copy what others are doing, and they do what they think should be done. Our Baby G graduates to the experimental subject; the guinea pig of parenting.

Three years for our couple feel like a blink of an eye. Our mother hides in the corner to shed a few tears, our father buries his head in his work as a distraction. The Experimental subject went from cute bouncy to a nuisance. Broken plates, almost burned down house, fights with the neighbor’s children, mutated chicken…. The list is too long and our lovers feel like they cannot handle it any longer. Maybe they made a mistake, maybe they failed in the parenting thing, maybe that perfect picture of their family did not need to involve the little Baby G. But it is too late to go back now, they made their mistake, they need to live with it. After all it is just an experiment, the results could be positive or they could be negative.

Four years, our mother is holding the test again. Our father stands by holding his breath. He has to admit, it was difficult journey rising Baby G but he still hopes for another little one. For the next one, he promises, I will do better: I will not make the same mistakes I did with our Baby G. The mother looks at Baby G standing by the door lovingly. She hopes for another one to love. She wishes for a little one to keep Baby G company, now that she needs to complete her studies. She racks back all she has learned from the guinea pig of parenthood and realizes that the next one has to be raised with the lessons learnt in mind.

Fifteen years have gone by and baby number two was followed by baby number three. Baby G grew into a parent for the young siblings automatically. She was the baby sitter, she needed to learn cooking almost as soon as baby number two came, she had to learn how to hold a baby and soothe one to sleep. Our lovely couple have also grown to learn a lot. Their major take away is that there is no manual and each baby comes with their own needs and problems. However, they still rely on Baby G as the experimental subject for most of their decisions. Baby G got to test if boarding school was good for development, she got to set the pace for studies of baby number two and baby number three. Our lucky Baby G got to be a role model all her life and a culture setter.

It has been twenty two years and our bouncing baby girl is too big to be called baby G so we will call her G. G has completed the required education curriculum and she walks into the job market a proud woman. She is an adult, our parents realize with teary happy smiles wondering how fast the years went by. G is ready to leave the nest, spread her wings and fly on her own but our dear couple hold on to her wings, afraid to let go. They are scared to loose G, their first love. They tremble at the thought of their G flying blindly and hitting rock bottom or flying away never to find her way back home.

G looks back at her parents holding on to her wings, not letting her go on her own and is filled with worry. Is it their love for her or the lack of faith they have in her that makes them hold on so strongly? Are they afraid to loose her or afraid she will loose herself somewhere in the horizon? Are the parents so unsure of this experimental child that they do not believe she can fly on her own? G sighs in uncertainty, not sure what she needs to do. She could pull herself out of the grip. However, if she pulls too hard she might tear her wings and fly to rock bottom or worse tear the now delicate bond between her and her parents. Her other option is to stay still and embrace the hold, considering it a hug or suffocation of love and mistrust till forever comes to pass. After all, she is the experimental subject of her still younger siblings not to mention their role model. Oh what to do, wonders baby G in dilemma.

This is Me

I have strong opinions in various matters. You should hear me arguing a point against myself on the mirror and you might then believe me. For me, however, presenting some argument in front of an audience is quite difficult. Arguing for or against a matter is different in paper and in real life. I find it easier to write down what I think rather than talk it out with someone, an habit I am trying to outgrow. However, what is the point of writing these opinions down on a personal diary if no one is ever going to read it?

I recently finished reading ‘The Diary of a Young Girl’ Anne Frank and my major take away was that you have no idea how much difference you make with just your view point. The book itself got me through the first outbreak of the Covid-19 pandemic. Anne’s diary, though tragic in the end is what kept me going, knowing that if she managed to live through that tragic period, I could do it.

If a diary could make such a big difference in my life, it means that whatever opinion I have might be a life changer to someone. Whatever argument I have deserves to be heard. So this is me making a blog to break myself from the chains of silence and pour my heart out to you, the unlucky stranger. So here goes, This Is Me…..